A Diary to The End

A Diary to The End

July 21, 2011

Dear Diary,

Roses are red… violets are blue… why did I smell flowers here in the hospital room?

Cold as ice and rhythms are sounds… Why do I feel like someone is calling me?

Then I opened my eyes slowly… I saw… YOU…

I wondered why you are here, then I asked you the question then you told me because I am here.

The fragrance and smell of the flowers are true proof that I am not dreaming and I am still alive and be able to see you again…

I asked and wondered why, and you told me again, “I am here because you are here… I will stay by your side from now on…”

You added, “I am so stupid of not knowing that you are always here with me, whenever I needed you.. I almost forgot all the things we had together, our memories, our laughter together and our… Love…”

I cried in tears not because I was sad or dramatic… But I was so happy that you finally realize my worth…

And…

As I listened to you, I check all the surroundings and I saw my mom, my dad and my sister’s look while you were talking… there’s something different… And as I look into my mother’s eyes, I have a hunch that you already know the reality that was happening to me.

That my brain tumor is killing me slowly…The reality that supposed not to be told to you…

You know what, I was really really happy today… But, It seems that you know it already that I got One Month left to live…

As you talk… I held your hand and suddenly tears fall into my eyes as I say, “Jeron, everything will be alright Ok? Smile! Everything will be ok... Everything will be alright! Smile!” then, you shed a tear and hug me… I was so shocked and couldn’t resist myself not to hug you back… then you told me… “I love you Cleo, please don’t leave… You have to live… You have to live!” And I smiled back and say “Let God’s will be done” then you just hugged me tight as if I was about to die and as if it were the last…

But… the joy didn’t last after 5mins; someone rushed and knocks at the door.

Jane came and rushes in to you with so much breathe intake, and I realize you are sweating all along, and is it because you rushed all the way here after you found out that I got my last chemotherapy awhile ago? And you came rushing here while you are with Jane…

Its ok Jeron, I really wish you and Jane will be happy now…

I have forgiven you and Jane.. So Smile Ok? :)

Jeron, Thank you so much!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU! I am very happy because you told me that you love me for one last time… My heart hurts, because I am very jealous when I see both of you, but I am quite happy at the same time since I know there will be a girl who will be with you, take care of you from the day I will leave and join my creator. I have forgiven you… Thank you for staying with me today… Our God have answered my prayers!!! I’m SO HAPPY!

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July 28, 2011

I was really shock the moment I opened my eyes and you were the first person I saw this morning…

My sister told me everything last night…

She told me, the moment I collapsed after my daily walk yesterday morning I was brought to the emergency room and she called you as soon as she was told by the doctor that I got less than a month to live. And it happened so fast that the doctor had thought that I supposed to live with minimum of 3months to a maximum of a year and if God is willing, he can spare my life if I am willing to go to America to have a brain surgery from the latest technology created… But the doctor told my sister if I decided to go on the procedure, I only got 15% chance to live since my brain tumor had already scattered and I really need a miracle to live. I just remembered why I told them I don’t want to go to America…

My only reason is that…

… I do not wish to forget you.

I will fight to my very last breath; I will fight ‘till I can still remember you… How much I love you… How much I can do… to remember you… You are my vitamin, my strength and my hope… Please don’t take away my precious memories remaining with you… I couldn’t spare… I don’t care if I die, as long as I will remember you ‘till the very last! I wish I could live more and be able to be with you as long and remember you… But, you know, you got your own path now… There is no more sense for me to be around. I just want you to be happy… so I smiled at you and told you again this morning, “SMILE, Everything will be alright!” and you smiled and told me, “I will” then you kissed my forehead.

But then, I asked you why Jane isn’t around and you told me you had broken up with her yesterday, because you realized how important I was to you and you could't bare to see me getting hurt; that you suddenly remembered all the precious memories we have in the past… the whole 3 years we have been together up to this date. And then with my heart’s content as I took a deep breath I say, "THANK YOU! (You still remembered…)" with a smile!

Quote: “Time is free, but it’s priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it. Once you’ve lost it you can never get it back. -Harvey MacKay”

“You need to take care of yourself from now on… You must live your life to the fullest… Smile because you have all the time to be happy! Don’t waste it!”

~~~~Time and days had passed… you were with me…

Know what? It’s been 2 weeks already, And I am very happy to see you everyday! From the moment I close my eyes, to the very first sunshine that kissed my cheek and as I opened my eyes to see you!

You took care of me together with my family, you help me walk each and everyday, I am so happy!

But…

(Sorry, I felt a little bit dizzy.. I should stop writing now… maybe I’ll continue writing later...)

:) SMILE!

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Dear God,

My Sister collapsed and was rushed to the emergency room and as we know it is already too late…

I will give this diary to Jeron since my sister really put an effort to finish this diary up to her very last…

God, do you hear me? Do you listen to me now? Please take care of my sister. I am really scared…

My mom fainted to the very last drop she cried when she saw Cleo collapsed… God, I don’t know what to say or what to write. I don’t have much left to say and energy to write, but I know you always understand and you are always here for us and especially for Cleo. God, Let your will be done…

From now on, you do what you have to do with my precious little sister Cleo. Save her… and if not, take her with you for I know she will always be happy with you…

Father, thank you because you granted her last wish to see him and stayed for her to the moment she loses her breath…

And we will always remember her last words to the moment she is catching her breath to the very last stand she have: “Smile, God is Here and always be…”

God? THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING! WE LOVE YOU!

Please take care of Cleo for us…

My letter ends here...

-Catherine